Crayons For Jesus


Home For The Holidays Print E-mail
By Rebeckah Reader   
We walked in from the crisp fall wind and waited. My shoes clicked against the green-brown tile. We were quickly seated at a booth in the corner of the restaurant. The red vinyl of the chair squeaked as we scooted in.

This was as similar to the other meetings as any other might have been. It was different though, because my heart had something planned. I concealed my excitement and nervousness as the waitress with the checkered shirt took our order.

After she delivered the drinks, I looked up. I had been working up my courage for this moment for years.

I looked deep into those blue eyes. These were the same blue eyes that I looked into each morning in the mirror. I’m sure he sat there wondering why I was smiling so big or why my eye contact kept faltering. I had never been so nervous nor so excited.

As I concealed a giggle, I finally gave voice to the question, “Dad, can I come home for the holidays?”

He smiled back and my heart soared. Finally, it was going to be different. My heart beat surged forward as I waited in anticipation. And then, his forehead wrinkled a bit. His smile fainted a little and he said, “Well, your step-mother doesn’t cook that much anymore.”

Undeterred from my heart’s desire, I quickly responded, “That’s no worry, I love to cook.”

“Well, we don’t have everyone over like we used to,” he fired back. 

My heart moved into overdrive, surely this wasn’t happening. No need for alarm, I had an answer for this excuse too. “Oh that’s alright, it can just be us, it will be nice. An intimate time for our family.”

The excuses continued, as did my arguments against each one for a few more minutes. Each time, my heart began to fall a little farther and ache a little harder.

Finally, he put it bluntly, “No.”

I was tossed into a wave of confusion. I didn’t know what else I could do. How could my plan have backfired so? Hadn’t the past been the past? How did this keep happening? Was it ever going to change?

I buried it deep down as the waitress brought our food. We joked as mindless chatter filled the void. He didn’t know it and I didn’t understand the enormity of his answer. I closed off that room in my heart as I finished the last bite.
 
It didn’t hit me what really had occurred for quite some time.

After nearly a year, it’s beginning to hit me. And it’s hitting me hard.

That day, my heart wasn’t simply asking to come home for the holidays.

That day, the little girl dressed in lace that lived deep down inside of me finally worked up the nerve to ask her father something. She wasn’t asking to come home, but she was asking: 

“Aren’t I lovely?”

“Isn’t my heart one to be cherished?”

“You would fight for my honor, wouldn’t you?”

“I deserve love, don’t I?”

“You do love me, don’t you? With all of your heart, right?”

No.

No.

No.

No.

NO!

There I sat with my heart poured out before the feet of the only man whose love I ever thought I deserved. All I was offering was only all of myself.

And with one word, he answered every question with a resounding “NO!” With one word he cast aside the little girl. With one word, he cast aside the woman I had become.

So I threw myself into 70-hour workweeks. I threw myself into yo-yo dieting. I threw myself into the arms of any man who would have me. And I threw myself into denial.

I got lost in the habitual cycle of denying anything was amiss; at the same time, denying and despising all that was feminine or vulnerable or beautiful about my heart.

I threw myself into the deadening of my soul.

To die this way was better than to live with the aching of a little girl multiplied in magnitude to correlate with the size of a woman’s heart.

And I’ve run. Far from the home I had in God and far to the things that only have aided my soul’s deadening.

As the holidays approach, a small, still, gentle, and genuine voice has begun to speak to me.

My heart has begun to remember that which first brought it to life.

The woman I am can’t make out the sounds at first. The precocious child within me can hear it though.

Her ear springs forward as a slow, “yes” begins to creep in amid the wounds that tell her “NO”. The yes starts out softly but begins to build momentum.

The girl within me begins to run forward. The woman I am holds her back, but takes a step forward curiously.

“Yes what?” I inquire.

The ‘yes’ only gains intensity and frequency as I ponder aloud.

I realize who the speaker is. It’s God.

And as I realize this, I begin to hear His message.

I begin to realize He’s answering my questions.

“Yes, you are lovely. You are altogether lovely, my dear. I gaze upon you as a bride, my child. The splendor of your beauty surpasses all. When I gaze upon you, I see how pure and lovely you are.”

“Yes, you are one to be cherished. I cherish you above all because you are mine. I long to lavish my gifts upon you. I have redeemed you just to delight in all that I have created you to be.”

“Yes, you need defending. I will be your rock and your fortress. I will build up a wall of salvation. I will build a hedge of protection around you. My spirit will go before you to clear the path and my light will shine upon you to lead you. I will hem you in and protect you against all the forces of evil in this world. For you are mine, and I will never leave.”

“You deserve everything that my word promises you. By accepting me as your Lord, you have the right to share in the riches of My full glory. There is nothing in this world or out of this world that could come between or stop the love that I have for you - so lovely you are and so beautiful our bond.”

“Of course I love you. I love you so much that I took upon myself all that was keeping you from me. I moved heaven and earth and defeated hell and the grave so that I might take you in my arms and have you for eternity. I gave myself as a living sacrifice so that you might have life, an abundant life. There is nothing that could keep me away from you, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you to know the love that I have.”

And with each “yes”, the volume and therefore the power of the “no’s” dissipates.

The truth of His “yes” far outweighs and silences the lies of all of the “no’s”.

I may never go home for the holidays, but I will eternally have a home in my Father’s house.

Won’t you take the first step? I know that your Heavenly Father has already made a path to lead you to the place that you’ve longed for, the place you’ve tried to reach with all of your striving and running, and to the place which you belong, the place which He has always meant for you to be with Him: HOME.

“And whoever comes to me, I will not cast out.” John 6:37